I want a family.

In case you didn't know I don't have any kids, and since I was adopted at the age of five I must delineate between my "adoptive" family and my "biological" family to describe why I want to have kids. My adoptive family is dead. They were a large family at one time (Grandmother, 4 aunts, single mom, 4 uncles, and dozens of cousins), and we did all the traditional things a large family does - Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday parties, etc. I have many fond memories of it all, but in the span of a few years everything that I had come to identify with and love came crashing down. My mother died in 1999, then precisely one year later my Aunt died of cancer, and oddly enough (one year later) my grandmother died. Once these relatives passed away the rest scattered like they were running away from the grief or some resentment I knew nothing about. My remaining Aunts took little interests in my ambitions, fulfillment, or outcomes, and I suppose I didn't try hard enough to find out why they felt the way they did. Part of me thought it had to do with me being adopted, not really blood and all that, but maybe I represented the heartache of their loss...who knows.

My biological mother lives up in Alexander City, AL with my crazy (schizophrenia) half sister and her ill conceived daughter. Her and I aren't talking, and not that we were ever close, but she is all that remains of my past. We had a falling out last year because she didn't want me to adopt Autumn (my sister's daughter) despite the fact she was about to turn 70 years old, had been diagnosed with colon cancer, crippled with arthritis, and was living off social security. She was being selfish and in my opinion was trying to payback some guilt for failing to raise her other children. Regardless, her and I are cut from a different cloth, despite being genetically related, as it seems that I have taken on the mantle of my true mom. Anyhow, that saga of my life seems closed and abandoned by both parties.

I've been married for five years to a wonderful woman. We had both wanted to start a family, settle down, and enjoy that element of being truly alive, but alas, fate had something else in store. She had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), uterine fibroids, and endometriosis which makes pregnancy near impossible. It apparently runs in the family as her sister had the same diagnosis. We did everything we could to fix the problem - surgery, clomid, lupron, insemination, etc, and none of it worked despite the thousands we spent at the fertility clinic. The doctor said we would have to resort to injectable hormones, but we had a problem, they were $800 dollars a pop and she would need 5-6 for a "chance" of getting pregnant. We just didn't have the means after spending so much already. I mean, paramedics don't exactly make a killing and my wife was an insurance CSR making less than me so it just didn't figure into our budget.

This was of course before I became peak oil aware and into overpopulation scenario's, survivalists sites, and economic forums. Years later I am more then aware of the present situation with exponential growth and resource demands for the world we currently live in, but the fact remains, I can't help wanting a family. I'm sure it stems from a desire to restore what was lost, the abandonment that damaged my Id complex, and my biological urge to father someone...who knows, maybe a shrink could tell me. I also to like to teach, instruct, and guide people...it seems I'm very good at it.

Anyway, I wanted to get that off my chest as I had the time at work today to browse Internet adoption sites. Care ambulance wasn't very busy today, although, we have a pediatric critical care transport to the airport first thing in the morning. Go figure.

Megadoom....wanting to be a dad even if civilization collapses. Strange, I know.